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Daffynitions

  • acupuncture - A jab well done
  • adult - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle
  • alcoholic - Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you
  • autopsy - A dying practice
  • bachelor - A bloke who never finds out how many faults he has
  • bargain - Something you don't need but is so cheap you can't afford not to buy it
  • bore - A bloke who, when you ask how he is, tells you
  • cannibal - Someone who is fed up with people
  • chickens - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead
  • committee - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours
  • consciousness - That annoying time between sleeps
  • dictionary - The universe in alphabetical order
  • diplomat - A person who tells you to go to hell in a way that you look forward to the trip
  • drive-in movie - Wall to wall car-petting
  • dust - Mud with the juice squeezed out
  • egotist - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
  • electrician - a switch doctor
  • fax machine - a device that allows someone in another city to pile work onto your desks
  • flashlight - A case for holding dead batteries
  • flattery - Phoney express
  • gossip - letting the chat out of the bag
  • hi-fidelity - A drunk who always goes home to his wife
  • hypochondriac - A guy who won't let well enough alone
  • insane - Those who jump off a bridge in Paris
  • jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer
  • letter bombs - post mortems
  • life - a sexually transmitted terminal disease
  • lottery - A tax on people who are bad at math
  • manicurist - Someone who makes money hand over fist
  • marriage - agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree, a woman gains her masters
  • meter maid - A person who always does a fine day's work
  • mosquito - An insect that makes you like flies better
  • office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
  • optimist - A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river
  • pimp - public relations man for public relations girl
  • politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after
  • praise - something received when you are no longer alive
  • predestination - doomed from the start
  • raisin - A sunburned grape
  • rumor - News that travels more than the speed of sound
  • secret - Something you tell to one person at a time
  • shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark
  • skeleton - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
  • stick - A boomerang that doesn't come back
  • taxpayers - cross section of the public
  • tomorrow - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
  • toothache - The pain that drives you to extraction.
  • truth - Something that lies around.
  • yawn - An honest opinion openly expressed.

Copyright 2005 by Jim Wegryn


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